Considering RMBH3’s strong Scottish roots its amazing that RMBH3 have never actually celebrated Burns Night before. Well Hairy Mary, Scottish Sausage and Fiona have now put that to rights in grand style, organizing a complete Burns Night Hash Weekend on January at our favorite Agriturismo Restaurant at Castiglione.

Naturally the occasion began with a hash trail on Saturday evening. Hares Bwana and Rough Knight, the trail was mainly wooded, with a few fields to cross, so we could practice "Cummin’thru th’ Rye" (it’s a bit prickly actually!). A fair contingent of walkers were shown a very straightforward shortcut by Bwana,, but they walked too fast, overshot the mark and did a false trail longer than the runners trail. As a result of this exertion Flaviana felt she had to join Finger’in and Naughty Nurse for a "menage a trois" type lift home in the supermarket trolley. Unfortunately the local Carrabinieri decided that the trolley was not designed to carry three hashers in the front seat, and the result of Flaviana’s hitchhiking was a Lit 125,000 fine!

The circle was led by the erstwhile father Xmas, who had been skiing in Austria during the Xmas hash and so failed to do his duty to poor little kids (dirty old man). Just before the circle began, Scott showed his prowess with a Bumm-erang and scored a direct hit on No Mercy Master’s hired car to general acclaim by all.

DD’s I remember were;

Santa (aka Fabulous RA) Millenium hash shit for not turning up to the Xmas Hash

Naughty Nurse for not inviting him!

Visitors, NMM, Scottish Sausage, LubriKate

Hairy Mary, Fiona, Scottish Sausage, for organizing it all and for being Scottish

Flaviana, Finger’in Naughty Nurse, for Motoring offences

Namings; Flaviana – "Autostop", Scott – "Abo"

(Flaviana pleaded for, and got, mercy from the flour bath for her hair style- Wimp!)

Hares; RK and Bwana

Back to the hotel to change into formal dress, (TD Scottish Sausage, and Bwana in kilts)

And on to the serious business of Haggis bashing. Leek soup prepared by the Agritourismo, was followed by real haggis and neeps, brought from Bonnie Scotland by S.S.. The address to the Haggis was grandly delivered by Fiona, wielding a sharp implement over it and frightening all the Italian diners, (who were later soothed with free tots of malt whisky). Lots of verses of Flour of Scotland and other Scottish songs, bagpipes wailing (on the stereo) and a good time had by all. Nice to see Hamish and Hyawatha back temporarily from Ireland. They didn’t make it for the run but we gave them a restaurant DD anyway. Finally, just around midnight we were summoned outside by the familiar wail of ghostly bagpipes, an apparition of the Ghost of Gus!! What more could we ask for! Gus looked a little sick actually, stumbling around and finally falling into a ditch on the edge of the carpark, maybe he’d be celebrating Burns by hitting the heavenly whisky? Anyway, a fitting end to a great occasion.

About 15 brave souls stayed over for the Hare of the Dog. Lubrikate had a bad night, (whisky obviously doesn’t suit Finns, stick to vodka), and left for Rome somewhat worse for ware before the start. Hares TD and Paint Stripper set a nice woodland trail, short, but it still felt long after the night’s activities. Actually I think the beer stop lasted longer than the run. PS excelled himself as usual with feeding the 5000 (14).

There must have been some DD's, but I can’t remember. I’m sure the hares and NMM got some.

The weekend finished with a satisfying, but rather expensive meal at Irene’s restaurant in Venegono.

Good weekend. Well done Hairy Mary and Scottish Sausage! Let's do it again next year.

The Monday night regulars gathered outside the Restaurant Mido in sub-zero temperatures. Tonedeaf was noticeably absent but the old die-hards were there – Cellular Brogues, SFS, Bwana, me and Paint Stripper. One newcomer was Rolf from Bavaria (I think). Cellular Brogues won the silly hat competition, with S4S a close second. We were about to head out when Suzie came speeding round the corner and then ABO appeared from another corner – the Fabulous and Short Cut attempted to wipe out the entire Monday night clan with their motorbike. No Grappa was out setting the trial and SFS was under strict instructions to get us away by 8.00. Bill was in transit somewhere between Pavia and Milan with a toothache – so we made the decision to leave without him.

We headed off through the park area (one of many), leaving marks for Bill in case he decided to follow us. We then ran all over the place, somewhere south of Milan and eventually found the song stop in another park (well a sort of greenish area where dogs shit). After the song stop ABO apparently got mauled by a pack of man-eating Labradors – and that was the last we saw of him on the run. Paint Stripper led the way - I got lost with Rolf and S4S – apparently we had jumped a bar (but it was a very small one). We got to another sort of greenish area and found hare, No Grappa waiting for us. NG went back to look for the stragglers and Bwana and Cellular Brogues lead the way to the beer stop – The Red Lion. We were all happily reunited in the bar (apart from ABO who was now wandering around south Milan with his trousers in shreds after his encounter with the man-eating Labradors). An unsuspecting person was quietly supping his beer and reading a paper when we all started to talk to him. The end result was that he (later found to be called George) was so impressed with us that he was persuaded to turn up for the circle and meal. Short Cut, Paint Stripper and No Grappa had the "find the cheapest flight to Belfast" competition" – Short Cut won of course.

We headed out of the bar and up Via des Amicis only to find another bar and headed back. Fabulous completed part of the run with an Esselunga shopping trolley and the rest of us headed for home. We got back to the restaurant and found ABO again and Bill who still had a toothache after an encounter with an Italian dentist. The circle was chaired by Bwana and Fabulous. Down Downs were awarded – Suzie (virgin), Cellular Brogues (fashion offence), SFS and me (bar jumping), No Grappa (Hare), Rolf (voyeur), Fabulous (for the freeze your balls off weather), Bill (late comer), ABO (befriending man eating Labradors), Short Cut (long cut), Paint Stripper (FRB + lost property). We commenced to close the circle and Short Cut interrupted with her personal "coming" for which she was reprimanded by the RA.

In the restaurant we had lashings of Arabic food (Paint Stripper abstained) and good beer. Bwana managed to nearly break a nice Italian’s foot (much to the amusement of his girl friend – the Italian's – not Bwana's). A book was passed round for comments on the run and Fabulous wrote a very moving comment in his best Italian (one word featured prominently in the comment – I could not make it out because of the bad hand writing, but it began with C, ended in O and had a few Z’s in the middle). S4S’s comment was "I’ve been on some runs in my time and this has been one of them". On Suzies request we had a rendition of "Yogi Bear" and Rolf gave us a few German songs. Finished up late and everyone headed off.

ON ON to the SKI HASH

Friday night saw the arrival of hashers from all corners of the world (well – Zürich, Paris, Riviera, Brussels, Berkshire, Rome, Geneva, Sweden and of course Milan). No Grappa was coping well with the room allocations and Fart Face was searching for his roommate with the big tits. Dinner was around 9.00 and commenced with several down-down’s for Paint Stripper for his birthday. The sing songs got under way and then the crowd moved into the disco room to settle up with Hash Cash "S4S" and to get their really nice, brilliantly designed, superb quality T-Shirts (no bias here) from Strawberry Shortcake. Sputnik soon cranked up the volume on his music machine and got us moving and grooving. Paint Stripper kept us well supplied with beer and everyone was well pissed by the end of the night.

Breakfast ended at around 9.30ish so most of us ended up with the leftovers and the used plates and knives. Most of the enthusiastic people (who had obviously got to bed before midnight) were already on the slopes by the time I made it to breakfast. The walking contingent headed off for a brisk walk in the town and it’s surroundings. Wellington, Iron Lady, White Fang and GBH headed off to set the trail. I headed off to ski with Bwana, Sputnik and Suzie and we met up with Mouldy Dick and George on the slopes. Had a beer stop with Tonedeaf, Sofa, hitchhiker and Luciana and then headed back to base to get ready for the Joint Ski Hash 1999.

At around 3.00pm everyone was kited out in their best red dresses. ABO opted for his long johns and Hawaiian shirt and Generator opted for a red flowing garment covered in Dragons. The Zürich crowd were notably absent (latecomers). The Hares got us off on our way and we soon headed up to the foothills where half the pack got lost. I decided to follow Dracula and Tonedeaf and made it to the bridge for the song stop, where Tonedeaf gave a rendition of "SITR". White Fang and I uncovered the identity of "Martyn with a Y", but were sworn to secrecy. Soon the rest of the pack made it to the Song Stop and we then went off checking. Bumm-erang, Fart Face and the Zürich Gang had now joined us and we found the ON ON to the right of the bridge. We kept uphill for a while and went through some people’s gardens and in lots of other places.

We made it to the Grappa/Sherry stop manned by Iron Lady and the pack appeared to be still intact. A Hash name was hatched as Suzie was mistakenly identified as Tonedeaf’s daughter. Then we headed off again, along the side of the river. Here, No Grappa and I were led astray by Knuthead, Fart Face, Chico and Higgins and we all ended up climbing up a steep bank in search of the rest of the pack. We found them and continued along a slippy path for a long time. Eventually down hill onto the road again and soon to the beer stop. Paint Stripper had huge quantities of beer, grappa, whiskey, olives, choccies and other yummy things. This was immediately kidnapped by GBH who insisted we have the beer stop in the middle of the river. The boys proceeded to cross to river, in knee-deep freezing water (of course they had to pretend they were not cold at all). So, we had Shep, Tonedeaf, Geisha, Bwana, Martyn with a Y, Mickey Mouse (honorary boy for the occasion), GBH, Cunninglingus, Potamus and all the other silly buggers who were now freezing their balls off (they would never admit it tho).

Generator was assisted across by Martyn with a Y, and other chivalrous acts were undertaken by Potamus. Of course a rendition of SITR was compulsory, and of course splashing the rest of us with freezing water was compulsory.

The fun over, we headed through the woods, and back onto the road heading towards the main roundabout. Father Abraham was performed in the middle of the roundabout with Bwana in charge of the proceedings. The ski traffic was brought to a stand still as amazed drivers stopped to watch lots of mad people, dressed in red, waving their arms around in the middle of a roundabout. We then headed straight for base, ignoring Wellington’s desperate calls of ON BACK. Finally we got to the car park and milled around for a while before the circle got under way.

Bwana called us to order for the Ski Hash 1999 Circle and No Grappa got things underway by awarding Fart Face with a big pair of plastic tits (for his e-mail request for room mate preferences) and the tits were immediately passed to Walkabout (for being Fart Face’s room mate. Geisha was reprimanded for missing the whole point of the big tits joke. Wellington (stand in RA) was then punished for the shitty weather. I was made to drink for being the reason that we were all in Bardonecchia (having been thrown out of a hotel in our original venue – which was shitty anyway). The down-down’s then proceeded:

The circle then closed and everyone was invited to the Berkshire HHH "Ritz Hotel" for an aperitivo. GBH entertained us in the luxurious settings with a rendition of the wonderful fairy tale of Cinderella meeting her pucking frince. People then started to head off to prepare for dinner.

Dinner saw all hashers turned out in red, with a few snowmen thrown in. MTM finally remembered to bring her wedding dress and was accompanied down the Hash Aisle by her bridesmaids, "Somebody’s Daughter" and Mickey Mouse. Mauro (smartest dressed guy) posed with MTM for photographs. Dinner was served (in relays), and a few songs started. Ingrid and Sofa did the Swedes proud with a nice song that ended with "Skol". GBH represented the Welsh with "Delilah", Bwana and the Africans came up with, guess what? (Hint begins with S, ands with A, 10 letters, Paint Stripper and Tonedeaf sing the chorus "Ooh-Aah, Ooh-Aah, etc.). I was having a fag with the Elite Club outside and heard a chorus of "God Save the Queen" (I guess from the Scottish!). The French contingent came up with their song. Then we had the Canadians and the Americans, the Italians and the Staff – in fact everyone apart from the Irish.

We then retired for "Boogie time". Hashers were let loose on the dance floor – Fart Face went wild as John Travolta, everyone got excited about Caribbean music, Knuthead showed us his skills again on the dance floor. I had to act as DJ as my companion from Friday (Sputnick) was out for the count. At midnight the hares for the live Sunday run were announced – "Martyn with a Y" and "Generator" The show went on to 2.00am or so and everyone wandered off totally pooped and/or pissed.

Breakfast saw most people wander in around 9.30ish. All the enthusiastic ones had already gone off to ski. Another party chose to go ice-skating instead of hashing. The loyal 20 or so of us lingered around the reception for the live run. The hares (Generator and Martyn with a Y, were set off complete with blue (ish) flour. We gave them a 7 minute start and then zoomed off in the direction of the Station. We reached the roundabout (of Saturday’s song stop) and found a "F" in blue flour. Hashers spread in all directions, all over town to find the right trail. After 20 minutes, we gave up on the trail and went for a walk around the region. We found some flour at some point and got a bit excited and then gave up again. We walked back through the town and found a check point where Iron Lady had an impromptu Grappa stop. We went back and found the hares with Ingrid (who had caught them).

The circle was held and hares, Martyn with a Y and Generator were suitably punished. I was reprimanded for whinging (?). Other down-down’s followed:

There were numerous others, but we forgot to record them so apologies if I’ve forgotten anyone.

We headed off to the restaurant for lunch (20 hashers) and after much confusion over the ordering had a good meal and a good natter.

ON ON to Ski Hash 2000

Here is Tonedeaf’s scribe on the run:

Well I set the "G&G" run (Gisbert & Gus Mckey) on Monday 15^th, an A->B run from Macduff’s Scottish pub, getting the underground back. Stuffing is hoping to do a run with Pope Gusius MacKeyus blessing the Holy Pissimus at the Cathedral in P.za Duomo soon, so this was a "dry" run in both their absence, also testing the police tolerance to out close proximity. Sparky, Rough Knight and Paint Stripper did on off flour recee while the pack majority held off with utmost respect at a mere On-On call’s distance away outside the La Scala Opera House and gave a free performance for good measure…La Requieme Padre Abrahamus in honour of "G" and "G" (Gisbert & Gus)… and thankfully not our missing and horizontal neck braced RA, Fabulous who had his car recently modified beyond repair when the vehicle following him did not stop when he did. The beer stop was to be in the Football English Pub, which was closed despite the sign "closed only on Sunday". While the English under 21 team beat their French oppo’s last Wednesday (they were too young to get into the pub anyway) their older brothers did not have much to celebrate so perhaps this was the reason it was in darkness on Monday as well… or maybe the floodlights had failed? (recent Hong Kong Chinese betting joke ;-). The Red Lion proved an able alternative fixture however and Bwana even got a discount to boot! Into the S.Ambrogio Metro to sing one song per stop on the train: The Wild Rover, Flour of Scotland (The Corries/MacDougal song) and Oh Shallosum to the distain of a red faced Rough Knight who recognized a colleague (or prospective ex-client) in the carriage. On back to MacDuff’s for the circle, Gillespies Stout and Beef Stew in Gillespie’s (also Theakestones). The windows have been put back in and the bullet holes repaired with Poly-filler. Just a normal Milan run.

The scribe provided by Abo is as follows (word for word):

"Well, no shit. There were all five of us – Silvo, Bwana, Stef, Dana and I (Abo). After a shit time of getting here (I hate this city), I showed up 20 minutes late, I went into the restaurant only to find all the hashers had left. Pissed off, I had missed everyone, I set off after them (how dare they start on time). I make 10 steps and they (the others) shout "Stop". Stupid me – what group is this? OK the hash.

This time I didn’t get bit by a dog, the fumes were terrible; traffic was bad but not too bad. Bwana almost killed one person by running into him. I didn’t fall down ( I meant to examine the ground a little closer). Silvo was not lost or a FRB, and Brian (the only walker) made it to the beer stop 15 minutes late, decided we sucked and showed up at the restaurant 30 minutes late (for which he got a down-down). Dana was not injured (she faked it). Stef, however was really nice with the arrows as a hare. We were all very appreciative.

So it was a small hash but it was nice. Not as memorable as the time I got bit by a dog, but, hey, let’s be reasonable about this. I did something stupid and volunteered to run (Hare) a Monday run – but I’ll regret that later".

Other comments from the Hash Book were:

"Fantastic run, great trail, total copy of No Grappa/S4S run. Best run I have ever done since I started Monday hashing in 1995"

Rough Knight – Hare

"Stephanie lost my man"

No Grappa

"Paint Stripper stepped in shit – as a result he was Hash Shit and I was FRB to avoid the smell"

Bwana

"Best Hash I never done"

S4S

"Porta Romana belle Porta Romana

Ci son le ragazzine che te la danno

…Prima la buona notte e poi la mano"

Paint Stripper

Just to piss you all off, here is our agenda (while you are all sweating it out in Milan):

• May 31/June 1; Explore Harare: Dombashawa, Lake Chivero Game Park
• June 2, 4.30pm, RMBH3 Harare Pre-Ramble
• May 31/June 1; Explore Harare: Dombashawa, Lake Chivero Game Park
• June 2, 4.30pm, RMBH3 Harare Pre-Ramble
• June 3, Fly to Victoria Falls. See Falls, Sunset Cruise on Zambezi
• June 4, White water rafting, Bungy jumping, Visit Victoria Falls Game Reserve
• June 5/6, All Africa Interhash
• June 6, evening, mini bus to Hwange Game reserve, game viewing
• June 7, game viewing in Hwange, minibus to stay at M’libizi on Lake Kariba
• June 8/9, overnight ferry to Kariba town (arrive 7am)
• June 9, Land Rover to Chirundu to join 3 day canoe safari on the Zambezi
• June 9/11 Canoe safari
• June 12, Canoe safari ends at Mana Pools game reserve. Land Rover back to Kariba
• June 12, evening, fly back to Harare to leave Zimbabwe, completely Gob-Smacked